Ah jealousy, the green-eyed monster. She’s the uninvited houseguest that knocks on your door at the most inopportune times, walking in before you answer.
She trails mud all over your carpet, raids your pantry, and gets comfortable on your couch before you even know what’s happening.
Knowing how stubborn she is, you give in and sit next to her, and the two of you do something like, say, open up Instagram and go to your ex’s new girlfriend’s profile.
You listen with hot rage as jealousy eats your popcorn while pointing out all of the things that this new girl has that you don’t.
Fuller lips. Better clothes. Longer legs. Cooler weekend plans.
Cue emotions of anger, pettiness, and lack.
We all do it. We all pick our poison when it comes to comparison. We all have that person who makes jealousy creep up without want.
Some of us even seek out jealousy and get addicted to it. Sometimes comparing ourselves and living in a space of “I’m not good enough” becomes a comfortable, familiar feeling.
In this post, I’m specifically talking about jealousy of other people, not jealous behavior in a relationship, although the two could most definitely overlap.
Even though it’s an icky feeling, the great news about jealousy is that like all forms of pain, it’s information.
If we can learn to take a step back from it, hold it in our hands and evaluate it, we can extract some important learnings and use it to our benefit.
Ready to feel better? Here’s how to overcome jealousy and turn it into creativity.
Admit You’re Jealous
Uff, not the most fun thing to admit, but absolutely essential. When we acknowledge our negative feelings, they immediately lose some of their power over us.
Next time you’re experiencing a spell of jealousy, notice it. Name it. Say to yourself “I’m feeling jealous.” Sit with the discomfort of it. Allow your jealousy to exist and be aware of what it feels like.
We are not our thoughts and we’re not our feelings, but our ability to experience a range of emotions makes us human.
Taking a step back from the feeling and identifying it, creates a sort of separation between you and the emotion.
It’s like, huh, this is a feeling I’m experiencing in this moment. It’s unpleasant, but I’m aware of it. That’s where it all starts.
If the Subject of Your Jealousy is a Friend, Tell Them
In instances where you’re jealous of a friend or someone in your life, let’s say you’re single and your bestie has just met the man of her dreams and is head over heels in love. Or maybe she’s just gotten her dream job and you’re still waiting tables and singing show tunes about getting your big break.
In these cases, it can be helpful to kindly let your friend know that you’re really happy for her, but also are a little bit jealous. Don’t make your jealousy a big deal. Just admit it gracefully.
This helps get it out in the open and diffuse some of that tension you’ve been secretly trying to stifle, but it isn’t about turning the situation around to put the focus on you or making your friend feel guilty about her marvelous milestones.
It’s just a way to express and acknowledge that fact, and then move on to celebrating her. I think you’ll find that being honest about how you feel helps you celebrate her even more.
Figure Out Exactly What It Is That’s Making You Jealous
Let’s say you can’t stop stalking a girl on Instagram and you feel waves of jealousy when you go to her profile. Instead of just thinking it’s about her in general, look at the aspects of her life that you truly envy.
No, for real. Go to her profile and make a list. Is it her designer clothes? Her physique? The fact that she has a cool job? That she travels to interesting places? Does she just have a lot of really cool pictures of herself? Write down exactly what it is that sparks jealousy in you.
When you’re curious about how you feel, instead of judgmental, you have the power to get to know yourself better. It’s the difference between saying “Hmm, I wonder why I feel this way.” and “Ugh, I shouldn’t feel this way.”
Read later: How to Get Extreme Clarity in Your Life
The Pettiness of Prettiness
Okay ladies, let’s be honest. Sometimes we’re simply jealous of another girl because she’s like, really pretty. We decide she’s way prettier than we are and we can’t possibly measure up.
Even though this is a completely natural part of being a human – we have eyeballs and the beauty industry exists, thank you very much – it’s also a lame-ass way to measure your worth.
You can’t change your face (okay, you can but don’t) or body (ditto). You were given the appearance that you have for a reason and trying to look more like someone else is the equivalent of trying to change the sound of your voice or the way you walk. It’s just not natural.
You are you for a reason and every single person possesses their own natural beauty. There’s a grace in embracing who you are that’s ten times more powerful than trying to look like a Kardashian.
With that being said, I think the only healthy way to move through some of this appearance-oriented jealousy is by taking phenomenal care of yourself.
That means eating whole foods and vegetables and drinking plenty of water. Having a workout routine that challenges you and leaves you with adrenaline coursing through your veins. Getting plenty of sleep and taking amazing care of your skin.
Making time to clear your mind through meditation or journaling. Doing things that light you up, whether that means going to a dance class or spending time in art museums.
It also means getting your finances together so that you can buy yourself clothes and accessories that make you feel beautiful.
All of these acts are you showing yourself that you’re worthy and important. That’s the true meaning of self-care.
If you’re feeling really eager to transform in some way, it’s perfectly fine to change up your hairstyle, try out something new like eyebrow tinting, and buy some clothes that make you feel a little more “girl boss” and a little less “baby doll”.
Just make sure you appreciate your natural beauty instead of discounting it as inferior. It’s unique to you.
Ahem, now let’s get back to your regularly scheduled program.
Look At Your Narrative
Alright, now that you have a list of the attributes that have been making you jealous, take a good hard look at them and ask yourself “what’s my narrative about these things?”
Typically, we’re jealous of other people because we’ve been telling ourselves we can’t have what they have. Is that the case here?
Have you decided that you’ll never have amazing outfits, a hot body, a job that lights you up? That you don’t deserve to travel while working remote, take fab pictures of yourself, or have a fun group of best girlfriends?
WELL THAT’S B.S. Of course, you’re feeling jealous. You’re telling yourself you can’t have something that you want, but that other people can have that thing.
Listen here and listen good. Whatever it is you want, you deserve it. And yes, you can have it.
This is where the “pain is information” card kicks in and turns into empowerment. Let’s find out what you’ve been telling yourself about who you are and whether that’s the story we want to write. Chances are, it probably isn’t.
Jealousy Becomes Creativity
Now it’s time to forget about the object of your jealousy, and get into goal setting mode.
After you’ve identified what it is that’s making you jealous, and have given yourself permission to have it, we can turn that jealousy into creativity.
Take a good hard look at the list you made and decide what you’d truly like to create for yourself. Maybe it’s the whole enchilada – the healthy bod, designer clothes, cool job. Maybe it’s mostly the cool job.
I’d recommend making a glorious vision board, because a) it’s fun and b) it really does charge you with energy when you can see images that inspire you.
This is also where goal setting comes into play. Once you know what your end goal is here, you can workshop it backwards.
Maybe you say in a year, my goal is to be xxxxx. Then, you can say where do I need to be in six months? Three months? One month? What daily or weekly habits need to come into play for me to get there?
This may mean setting multiple goals (don’t overwhelm yourself though) in different areas of your life. I’d try to stick to three or fewer at a time.
What we’re doing is looking at your jealousy, stripping it of the subject and turning it into clarity and inspired action. It’s never really about the person anyway, it’s about the story you’re telling yourself about that person versus you.
This is a simple but powerful recipe for change, babycakes.
Read later: How to Plan: A Guide for the Girl that Hates Planning
Refocus Your Attention On You
This part is going to sound a little bit like something your mom would have told you when you were nine. But hear me out.
There is no one in the entire world who has experienced the world the way you have. Your favorite things, talents and skills, background, upbringing, you name it. All of these things add up and make you an original individual and powerful force to be reckoned with.
I really believe that we are who we are for a reason, and even though I am very much prone to jealousy myself (we all are), I know that no one else is walking the exact same path as I am.
I know that it feels like we’re competing with the whole world sometimes. Like “ugh, that girl has a more inspiring back story than I do and built her own business which is similar to what I’m trying to create by the time she was only 23. Plus, she has a fantastic shoe collection.”
I get it. I hear you. But she isn’t you and you’re on your own path.
Lean into believing in abundance and knowing there is enough for all of us. Lean into trusting in your abilities and having faith in your timeline.
Flush lack and fear down the toilet. They’re not serving you.
And last but not at all least…
Send Out Love
I know this sounds cheesy, but instead of shooting daggers at that girl who has the coolest outfit at the party or radiating waves of hatred towards your ex’s new flame, try doing the exact opposite.
Take a deep breath and send them love.
Say to yourself “everyone deserves happiness, including me” and try to release the need to compete.
This is hard, but if you really focus on turning that tight and tense feeling of competition into the loose and empowering feeling of love, you’ll find that it sets you free.
Pretty incredible stuff.
