All throughout high school and for the better part of college, I was painfully shy. I looked at my outspoken classmates with a bewildered curiosity. How were they able to get up in front of everyone and conduct themselves with such grace and ease? Their voices didn’t quaver, they made others feel comfortable, and they often charmed the teachers in the process. I knew that I was just as smart and funny as the majority of my outgoing classmates, but only my close friends could testify. My immense fear of what other people thought of me kept me small.
Confidence is fundamental to your success in life. Not because it means you’re more worthy or makes your ideas more credible. It’s simply the secret sauce which transmits the message to others that you believe in yourself, making you more likeable in the process. The way we feel about ourselves is a lot more transparent than we think it is, and the way you treat yourself is typically how others learn to treat you. You’re a mirror. The good news is that confidence works both ways. Not only do you put out the vibe that you like yourself and you’ve got this, you also internalize that attitude. So by acting confident you do, in fact, become more confident.
I’ve always hated it when people say, “fake it until you make it,” partly because I never understood what they meant by that (and felt like they didn’t either) and partly because it doesn’t help someone who really struggles with shyness to understand how to improve. It’s kind of like comforting somebody with the words, “you’ll figure it out,” or “don’t be sad.” It just doesn’t help. The conundrum is still sitting there twiddling its thumbs waiting for you. So today, I wanted to pull together some tips that in my opinion, are actually helpful for those struggling to build and portray confidence.
Make Commitments and Follow Through
Great news for my introverts! This strategy is measurable and does not involve interacting with other people. It’s all about making commitments and executing. If you’re constantly saying you want to do this or start doing that or will do that tomorrow, and then nothing ever happens, you’re making it impossible to trust your own word. Start by choosing one habit you want to change or implement that requires you to stretch a bit. It can be as simple as going for a quick run three times a week or writing for twenty minutes a day. Make sure you don’t overwhelm yourself with the goal, but instead make it reasonable (ex. a five minute run if you’ve never run before). Then, all you have to do is honor your commitment and show up for yourself. Each time you do, you’re respecting your word, building self-trust, and proving that you can adapt to change. As you get better at this, your self-confidence will increase and you’ll see how small habits, when practiced consistently, can totally transform your life. You can then scale this practice little by little.
Let Yourself Be Bad At Things
Perfectionism will kill confidence. I know because I am a recovering perfectionist. If your self-image depends on talent, success, or achievement, you will only be confident when you’re killing the game. That’s not only unsustainable but also a tremendous amount of pressure to put on yourself. Take a load off by giving yourself permission to be bad at things and like yourself anyway. A speaker that I really like said that in order to accomplish more you must allow yourself to do B minus work because perfectionism will not only kill your confidence but it will also paralyze your achievement. Just FYI, I use that as a reminder each time I write a blog post because otherwise I’d never publish anything. So tell yourself that even if you fail the exam, give a lackluster presentation, or get a so-so review at work, you’re going to like yourself anyway. Next time, try to do better of course, but don’t waste time being hard on yourself.
Practice Speaking Up
This is the hardest part for me personally, but it’s important. Get into the habit of sharing your opinion, raising your hand, and speaking up during the meeting. Even if it’s just once a day, challenge yourself to say something in a situation where you would normally remain quiet, and then work your way up to doing it all the time. Don’t forget to pat yourself on the back for this, especially if you’re a soft spoken person (naturally gregarious folk don’t understand how much effort this requires). Fear of rejection or embarrassment is what blocks most of us from speaking our minds, but that’s where the previous step of letting yourself be bad at things comes in. The worst thing that can happen when you speak up and put in your two cents is that you’ll get a negative reaction which makes you feel bad. That’s not fun, but you can survive it. As Paola Coelho stated in his book The Alchemist, “the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself.”
Revisit Your Beliefs
Sit down, get out a pencil, and write down what your current beliefs are about your own capabilities. Are they positive or negative? Do they make you feel good when you read them or are you imposing limits on yourself? I have a friend who is a fantastic photographer, but for some reason she doesn’t think that anyone would ever hire her to take photos because there are so many people that are more talented. She’s condensed her talent into a casual Instagram account instead of setting up a business. What a bummer. Whatever is going on in your brain is what creates the results in your life. So if you’re thinking things like, “I don’t have anything to contribute,” or “Everyone else knows more than me,” you’re setting yourself up for a life behind the scenes. Write down the thoughts you have surrounding confidence and if they’re not helping you get great results in life, rewrite them. Write down what you want to believe about yourself and read it every day. It will feel like lying to yourself at first, but keep it up until it dominates those old, crappy beliefs for good.
Spend Time With High Vibe People
Becoming more confident is an individual journey, but surrounding yourself with positive, open-minded people makes it a hell of a lot easier. If you spend the majority of your time with individuals who are full of self-doubt or worse, people who judge everything that isn’t aligned with their own opinions as wrong, it’s going to be very challenging to break out of your cocoon. Hang out with people who are crushing their goals, dreaming big, and being kind in the process, and their energy will inevitably rub off on you. They’re not only inspiring, but they also make it easy for you to be yourself. After positivity, open-mindedness is by far my favorite quality in people because it allows each conversation and interaction to be full of exciting possibility. Seek out a community like this, and you will improve your overall quality of life.
