Guess what, y’all? Today is my breakup-aversary! Cue fireworks. Cue confetti. Cue a marching band playing upbeat tunes.
Exactly one year ago today, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. I know that’s not normally a cause for celebration, but in my case it very much is. The relationship was toxic, addictive, and incredibly difficult to leave. That is until the universe threw me a bone (I had been asking for answers) and unearthed a whole shoebox full of lies.
Dramatic! Traumatic! Lucky me! But really. I’m so grateful that happened because now I’m free.
I say that because sometimes it’s easier to leave when you have a reason to be angry. I tried to leave him twice before but I came back thinking maybe he’ll change, maybe I’m asking for too much, and the grand daddy supreme of all cosmic excuses…maybe this is love.
Lol. No.
I sunk almost five years into that relationship and although there were good things about it and I learned a lot about myself, I also want keep you from experiencing similar disappointment or wasting your time.
SO in order to celebrate my one year freedom-versary (still working on that name, please stay tuned) I wanted to write a post sharing FIVE important things I learned from my toxic relationship.
If you’re in a relationship, and you’re questioning whether or not it’s right, this post is for you babygirl.
Trust your gut feeling.
Energy doesn’t lie. When you feel like something is off or something feels strange or fishy, listen to that feeling. Nine times out of ten, you’re right.
Every now and then, it’s possible that you could be projecting or worrying or overthinking the situation. If you’re prone to that, be sure to check in with yourself and see if the feeling is coming from fear or if it’s more of a “can’t put my finger on it, but this feels weird.” When it’s the latter, listen to yourself.
You should never have to teach someone how to treat you.
If you’re dating someone who occasionally puts you down or makes you feel even a little bit bad about yourself? That’s a no go.
We all hurt each other’s feelings from time to time. We say the wrong thing by accident orrr we get upset and say the wrong thing totally on purpose.
But. There’s a difference between a slip up and a put down.
When you love someone, you care about how you make them feel. Period. You should not to have to work hard to make your partner understand why their words or actions upset you. If you communicate that something bothers you, a healthy partner will care that they’ve upset you and make sure not to do it again.
Which brings me to point three…
Words and actions must align.
We all know that communication is a crucial part of being in a relationship. We can’t read each other’s minds. Everyone is different. Being open and honest about what you need, how you feel, etc. is a necessary foundation for love to flourish and grow.
But even more than that, words and actions must align.
If you have an important conversation about your needs, and then nothing changes, or it changes for a little bit and then reverts back to the default setting, then all that communication was in vain.
Empty promises are manipulative. Someone doing what they say they’re going to do, is the bare minimum.
There’s being in love with someone. And there’s being in love with their potential.
Ahh, yes, the old “in love with his potential” caveat. Also, commonly referred to as “I can fix him.”
You can’t be in love with the person in front of you if you want them to be different. If they have to change something about themselves in order for your relationship to work, you’re in love with a version of them that you’ve created. Not who they truly are.
My coach once asked me if I could be with the person my ex was, exactly how he was in that moment, if I continued to grow and expand and be happy. The answer was no. The answer was more like hell no.
Look at your partner for who they are. Not who they could be. And then as yourself, can I be happy with this person? Is this what I want?
You are allowed to want what you want from your relationship.
If I could leave you with one thing it would be this. Don’t. Freaking. Settle.
The second you start to question whether you’re getting what you deserve, you’re already not. You are allowed to want what you want. You deserve to feel valued. You’re not crazy. And you’re not asking for too much.
I used to struggle with this last one a lot in my old relationship. I thought maybe I was being too demanding, a word my ex liked to use for me.
I remember once my coach said to me, “You are not asking for too much. If you’re asking for what you need, you’re not asking for too much.”
Don’t stay with someone because you’re afraid you can’t have what you really want. That’s the best way to make sure you never get it.
BE BRAVE. TRUST THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE KIND OF LOVE YOU DESIRE.
You can. And it will never leave you questioning whether it’s the real deal.
Mic drop
